Agony, Anxiety, Stupidity, & Rage: Must be a Day Ending in "Y"

Tuesday May 3, 2016


I'm so tired of waking up in pain. My lower back is killing me. I could barely get up to pee in the middle of the night.

I went to visit one of my massage therapist friends at work to hopefully make an appointment. 

She can't see me until this weekend. I think I'm gonna cry.

While I was there, she told me an insane story about some girl's baby daddy that is in jail and has never met his kid. 

Naturally I was curious how he ended up in jail.

She was hesitant to answer but then divulged that he had been accused of inappropriately touching a minor. That he ran. That he was one of his state's most wanted. That he was shot and KILLED by the police but that they managed to bring him back to life and he is now serving his sentence.

Jesus fucking christ!

I mean I suppose I should be grateful that my life could be worse, but I don't set the bar that low. 

I'm still in agony and I'm still pissed off that this is day 40 of having no A/C.

Anxiety and/or Stupidity

Late in the afternoon for some reason I decided to do some laundry. As I'm walking up to the laundry room door, I see my neighbor of four years that I've only talked to once but have been wanting to make official friends with. He's like the only person in my building within a decade or so of my age that lives here.

I see him walking up to his door only like five feet away, he turned and looked at me but I averted my eyes and didn't say hi.  

Ugh! WTF! I'm SO mad at myself. My anxiety always causes me to run and hide.

Later, I went outside to shoot the sunset and I see a guy walking out from his side of the building. He starts waving. My brain instantly tells me he's not waving at me so I don't wave back.

I start walking in his direction. He's walking towards me but I'm totally fucking blind from looking at the sun! I can't see his face. Literally, it's just like an orb. I don't know who's standing next to me.

So we stand next to each other for like 20 seconds. I try to steal a glance at him but my eyes haven't adjusted yet so he still doesn't have a face.

Now I feel stupid. I'm standing here watching the sunset with some stranger like some weirdo and so I immediately turn around and head home without ever having said anything.

Good lord what is wrong with me?

There is no hope.

This is just a small glimpse of what social anxiety looks like.

Rage and Anxiety

My air conditioner exploded in the middle of the night six weeks ago. I have had to call around begging someone to fix it. I had to beg to get an estimate. I had to beg to accept their estimate. I had to beg for them to take my money and order the part for me.

Welcome to island life. Everything's awesome until you need to get something done.

Pretty much every night I get full of red hot boiling rage towards the "account manager" at the air conditioning company I'm relying on for dear life. (I live on the bottom floor of my building closest to the parking lot and have to sleep with my doors wide open.)

Given how our interactions, or rather our lack of interactions, have been going for the last six weeks, I know it in my bones that everything is going to get fucked.

She finally called me back to get my payment info on April 25. She emailed me a receipt a few days later showing my card hadn't been charged until the 28th.

So when was the part ordered?! It's going to take a week and a half to get here and I already made an appointment for the repair to coincide with the arrival of the part! Ugh! It's hot as fuck it's too hot to sleep, I've developed a rash on my entire torso, I want this done before my family gets in town! It's coming down to the wire.

Also, the receipt she sent me still has my name wrong, my address wrong, and the name of my building wrong. All things I had emailed her about previously giving her corrections.

How is my credit card even going to get charged with all of this incorrect info?

She is a colossally incompetent human being. I know the part isn't going to get here on time and I'm going blow this whole deal up and have to start over from scratch with some other company.

Have you seen my movies?

My mind is terrorizing me with the big speech I'm going to have to give her.

Over and over it runs through my head and makes my blood boil hotter every time I run through it. 

My brain has been terrorizing me with a lot of stuff lately.

Just one example is that my hair is actually healthy looking for like the first time ever and the highlights from the sun have given me the color I've always wanted.

So naturally I've begun thinking about all the ways I could lose my hair. 

It's like I think by worrying about something that it somehow keeps it from happening.

Even though my rational brain knows that the exact opposite is true - worrying about something is actually akin to praying for it.

I've also been worrying about having no car.

About my dad dying.

About me dying.

About my mom dying.

About my brother dying.

About my brother getting his girlfriend pregnant.

About his girlfriend being a psycho.

About plane crashes.

About getting raped.

About not being able to pay rent next month.

About humiliation.

Sweet dreams...

Update: Shortly after this post my hair ended up turning green from swimming in the pool even though I always rinsed it out after getting out. (Thank you internet for letting me know about soaking my hair in ketchup to get the green out because my hair dresser told me I'd just have to let it grow out! My hair is like two feet long!)

Also, my car has broken down twice. The first time I got it to a mechanic shop by the skin of my teeth on like a Tuesday and the girls behind the counter told me the mechanic won't be there until next Monday! WTF Maui!

But hey at least I have A/C again.

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