The whole world has anxiety. Welcome to the club. I’ve been having dreams about the election for days.
I was on my way out the door this morning to go vote when I pulled back the curtains on my patio door and saw a dead bird lying on my doorstep. Oh fuck, it’s really happening! The end is nigh!
I couldn’t just walk by the dead bird and carry on my way. I couldn’t just sweep it off the patio. It would still be there when I got back. I took care of it with as much respect as one possibly could while disposing of a corpse into a dumpster.
What a way to start my day. Okay, let’s try this again. Finally, after a year and a half of waiting for this moment, I get in my car and head to my polling place at an elementary school a few blocks away.
As I’m driving up the street, I see a woman standing on the corner of the school property waving enthusiastically at me. What’s with this? Then I see she’s holding a sign with one of my neighbor’s name on it that is running for office. I cringe and don’t wave back.
Then I see him, my neighbor, standing across the street from the school with his huge banner and another woman holding his sign.
Is this legal?
I have a very distinctly decorated vehicle. He knows I’m coming and he knows how I feel about him. He turns his back and doesn’t look at me as I pass by.
I am so very glad to not be voting for him, again.
Back in August, he came over on the day of the Primary Election and asked if I had voted for him. I could have saved us both a lot of grief and just said yes, but that’s not my way. I told him the truth and said, “Nope, I sure didn’t.” I voted for our other neighbor (the nice, smart, and compassionate one).
An argument ensued. I have a tongue that cuts like a knife and when I see an opportunity to end these unwanted visits for good, I take it and go in for the kill shot. Hence, him turning his back on me while I drive by. This is the first time I’ve encountered him since that day.
May the bridges I burn light my way.
I park my car and as I’m walking towards the cafeteria, I pass by two people having a very intense conversation about an email being released before the polls opened containing numbers about something. Rigged!
Urgh! I feel like I’m walking into Mordor. I just have to cast my vote and the proverbial ring will melt into the fire from whence it came and it will all be over. I just want to throw this blasted ring into the fire already!
The cafeteria is bustling but there’s only one guy in line in front of me. Yay for small towns!
Yesterday, I spent hours Googling every person on the ballot and had my list of names ready to go. All I have to do is fill in those effing little boxes and get the hell out of here.
It takes forever. It’s so hot and humid, I’m sweating to death. My hand is hurting. And then I’m done! I put my ballot in the scanner and peace the fuck out. Where’s my “I voted” sticker?!
As I’m leaving, I notice that my neighbor and his band of sign wavers are gone. Hmmm interesting, I wonder if they’re slashing my tires or maybe they’re collecting more dead birds to leave on my doorstep.
I was going to go out a different way to avoid driving by them again. Thanks for saving me the trouble!
Then I go directly to the grocery store. If the world is going to end, I’m going to need some supplies.
I get home and unload everything into my doomsday bunker (the space behind my couch and the wall) and decide I want to be as far away from the TV and computer as possible.
I head into town to see a movie or maybe several movies. So did the rest of the island apparently. My jaw dropped when I saw the line. The fact that the line to buy a movie ticket on a Tuesday afternoon was 50 times longer than the line to vote is pretty telling about a number of things.
I don’t want to wait and I don’t want to be stuffed into a crowded theater, so I leave.
I stop and get a full tank of gas since I’m sure it will be rationed out soon. I go inside the gas station and there is a man buying 12 bags of beef jerky. Then an older woman comes in and starts grabbing as many as she can carry too. WTF?!
Maybe they are on to something. It’s nonperishable, right? I grab a couple bags myself. This should help sustain me through the coming days of darkness.
I head home and chuck the jerky into the bunker. I grab a book and head out to read on my bird cemetery (patio).
I’m reading Russell Brand’s book Revolution. I’ve just come from the polling booth and am now sat here reading passages like these that he collected from activist and member of the Occupy movement, Dave DeGraw:
Russell famously doesn’t vote. He says that every election is decided by who has the most money.
I know all of this, and mostly I agree. I vote anyway in case there is some miniscule chance that it matters. I mean if voting didn’t matter at all, then why do some politicians go to such great lengths to keep minorities from voting? Why is gerrymandering a thing if voting doesn’t matter?
Okay, I can’t read anymore of this today. I come inside and see I have a ton of notifications on my phone and a text from my mom. I panic and immediately shut off my phone. I don’t want to know. I just don’t want to know.
I wonder how long I can make it without knowing who our new Commander-in-Chief is. This could be fun. I think I’m going to try to go as long as possible. If I stick my head in the sand my life can’t change, right?
Of all the gazillon batshit crazy things I have had the incredible misfortune of reading while on my computer over the last year and a half regarding the election, the one thing I wished that would be true was, that Barrack Obama had initiated Marshall Law and would be preventing us from voting so he could serve another term.
No such luck, just like he didn’t take away anybody’s guns or enact Shiria law. Shrug. He’s got two more months.
I carefully turn on my TV so there’s no way I can see any news and put in the movie This is the End, seems only fitting.
As the boys are reuniting in Heaven, I look out the door to see an absolutely stunning sunset taking place. I struggle to decide whether or not to risk turning my phone back on so I can take a picture.
I do. It’s too breathtaking not to. To see something this beautiful means everything is going to be okay, right?
My phone starts dinging immediately. (Insert Donald Trump impression here: bing bing bong bong.) More messages from my mom. Ahh! I know the normal thing to do is to check them and make sure everything’s okay, but normal is not my way.
I take a dozen photos then switch the phone back off. I just can’t do it. I can’t plug back into the collective consciousness. It’s too exhausting and abusive. I need a break.
Currently, it’s 10:30 PM in Hawaii on Election Day and I have no clue what happened. It’s so great! You know what it is like to have a secret that nobody else knows? Well, not knowing something that the whole rest of the world does know is so much better!
Ignorance is bliss and I’m going to bed.
It's Wednesday morning. So far so good. I still don't know. I need Jon Stewart! I want him to break it to me.
I tried to wait for Samantha Bee to come on tonight but I was just too damn antsy to find out, so I caved and decided to watch yesterday's The Daily Show's live election coverage.
I recorded my reaction: