"Relationships don't exist. There is no such thing as a relationship. It's a complete figment of our imagination. It's a story. It's just an agreement." Bentinho Massaro
Wow. Yes. This.
The definition of a relationship is "a state of being connected." But in order to create that state of being connected you have to have some form of expressed or implied agreement in place.
Relationships are a program/system/construct, or a social contract that essentially boils down to a set of agreements.
For example, if you agree to my demands then I'll grant you a connection with me. But if you violate my rules, rules that you might not even know about until you break them, then you're betraying me. Now I'm upset with you and I might even hate you now and break the connection.
Even a parent-child relationship is an agreement: I will take care of you but you have to do what I say. If you don't do what I say then I will kick you out and not take care of you. Does that sound like a state of connection or a hostage situation?
So a relationship should really be defined as a set of rules rather than a state of connection. Contract could be another word for relationship.
My question for you to consider is: Can you have connection without relationship/rules?
Now for a bit of a rampage. I'm so sick of sad and miserable people looking for someone to make them not sad and miserable. Do yourself a favor and take the shortcut to "happily ever after" by taking responsibility for your own happiness. Don't expect people, circumstances, and events to change for you to feel happy because none of them ever will.
It's no one's duty to make you happy, make you feel secure, or fulfill your needs. Don't expect other's to coddle your insecurities. This is personal work for you to take care of. Identify your triggers and deal with them, don't make your so-called loved ones accommodate them at the expense of their own freewill and wellbeing. Don't take others hostage.
There are tools you can learn to modify your beliefs about what you require and the stories you tell yourself that cause all of your own misery. I highly recommend learning The Work by Byron Katie and her book I need your love, is it true?
I get messages from readers telling me that I was able to put into words for them what they have been unable to express themselves. After listening to episode #4 of the Mirror Talks podcast with Bentinho Massaro I can say the same about him here. Though it's a bit long and repetitive, he plainly explained what I have observed and felt about relationships.
Here are some of the highlights from the Relationship Fallacy podcast:
A relationship is an agreement to limitation. What relationship is not an agreement?
I agree not to do this and that if you agree not to do this and that. If you stay within these perimeters and confines I've set up for you and you agree to, then I can continue to feel safe within my victim state and you can continue to feel safe.
I love you but don't do this or that. And don't feel that. Don't think this. Don't look over there because I own you and therefore I feel safe. If you agree to that I'm gonna love you. If you don't, I'm going to be really upset at you.
No mater how much love you put towards these people with Victim Consciousness it's going to rebound against you as hatred and betrayal.
We have so much attachment and romantic ideas about relationships as equaling love, but how could it be love if I need you to restrict yourself in order for me to love you? All I'm in love with is that you make me feel safe. It's not love for another.
Using someone to not feel insecure doesn't sound like love. Relationships are anti-love. It's child play. Relationships are the very sign of spiritual immaturity.
You and I can agree to all kinds of nonsense under the name and banner of love to justify that I'm using you to not have to look at my sense of fundamental fear of being afraid to die, be left alone, etc. You're going to be the cover up of my insecurities. You're going to be my partner. We're going to be in a relationship. You're going to love me I'm going to love you and in that exchange I'm going to feel safe and I won't have to look at my insecurities. That's why we fear our partner leaving, cheating, or dying because they are our cover up. They are the rug in which we shove underneath out insecurities. That's not love. It has nothing to do with love.
The way our society paints a real relationship is to stick to the hateful agreements that you've made of limiting each other. If you stick to those then you are the prime example of pure love.
We don't want to destroy that illusion of romanticizing relationship and agreements as being love. If we separate those concepts and see them for what they really are, that relationships are not love per se, but in fact most often they are the opposite. They are abuse. They are mutually agreed upon abuse of the other. Usage of the other to not feel certain emotion within oneself. To me that's not love its an infringement upon free will. It's a basic violation of letting an entity be their own entity.
If your partner is truly inspired in a certain direction shouldn't they be allowed to? Is it love to not allow it?
If the partner truly has an inspiration that feels like it's fundamental to their life, if they have truly established love there would be no objection from the other. There would be a natural generosity there. If it isn't there then you've been using each other as rugs to shove your insecurities under.
We've associated love with exclusivity or commitment to a particular paradigm, set of parameters, or limitations. If we follow that we idolize it as true love. And if we break free from that and follow our truer inspiration, or our purpose in life, a true beneficial connection with someone else then we call that lack of love.
Basically if you suppress your every human impulse and even spiritual expansion, keep yourself in a box and don't grow, don't learn, and don't mature then you are praised in society as being pure. It's the impurest thing you can do to each other but we idolize in movies and so forth.
Relationships are ridiculous.
Relationships don't exist because ownership doesn't exist.
Free will is paramount.
I found this passage from another one of Bentinho's videos that I scribbled down:
Stop getting your love from other people! There's no such thing as human love.
How much of your behavior is distorted by thinking that you can get love from other people?
People are incapable of giving you anything. This awareness can free you!
No one has ever given you love. What other excuse do you have to live for other people?