Acutely Alone - A Tale of the Ego

Loneliness is a pandemic. It seems super prevalent in the Indigo community. Why are Indigos so alone? Because we are conscious or awake. This shoves us to the outskirts of normal society. We don't fit in. We're on our own.

Indigos are a bridge between the spiritual realm and the physical. Being conscious or awake we know on one level that we can never really be alone. We are all connected. We are all one.

At the same time, we have an ego (our sense of self, the voice in our head that never stops) that likes to tell us on a repetitive loop that we are separate and all alone from everyone else.

[This is not the same thing as say "having an ego" - being an arrogant prick.]

The ego is the mechanism that creates the human experience. It's what keeps you from remembering who you really are. It's what runs the game we are all playing. 

When you're not in physical form you're just hanging out in nonstop bliss. You get bored and wonder what it would be like to not be content all the time. So a fragment of you jumps ship and takes on a physical form - which if you're like most humans, you wake up hating every day. Fun times.

The ego feeds itself on negativity. It's always looking for ways to tell you that you're not good enough. It's kind of like those humans that are always causing drama for no reason except for the sake of causing drama.

The unconscious humans are unaware that the ego exists and is the cause of their everyday suffering.

The conscious humans are aware that the ego is causing their suffering. This creates a little bit of space between the suffering and your true state of being.

You're able to step back and observe that the pain is happening. You're still suffering, but you're not identified with it. You know the real reason and the cause. Your ego came out to feed. It's probably telling you an untrue story to torture you.

It's probably searching high and low for evidence to convince you that the story it's telling you is true. It's probably keeping you up at night reminding of you something stupid you said or did 20 years ago.

The ego is a real asshole that will do anything to survive.

My ego has been on a rampage this weekend. Pity party of 1 right here. I'm feeling acutely aware of my aloneness these last few days.

I am an introvert on an island 3,000 miles away from my closest family. I spend most of my life alone with no issue. I've embraced it. I'm different. I know I'm not here to live a normal life like everyone else. I don't even want a "normal" life.

So what triggered me (an over-reactive response)? 

My damn birthday.

This isn't the first birthday that I've spent alone and surely won't be my last. But this birthday has been extra and my ego is having a Field Day.

A lot of people don't like to celebrate or even acknowledge their birthdays. I am not one of those people. I like to do something especially fun like bucket-list level fun. That didn't happen this year.

You: But Sarah, you live in Hawaii. Most people would kill to celebrate their birthday in Hawaii.

Me: I know, I know! This is my 8th one here. I am so lucky and fortunate! It should be enough in and of itself to wake up another day in my dream place. 

Ego: NOPE. Not good enough.

So get this:

I went to the beach early on the morning of my birthday and a man and his dog came and sat nearby. He said I hope you don't mind dogs! I don't.

Now there are plenty of dogs on the beach on any given day but I've never seen the sheer volume of people that this dog attracted. A parade of people came up to ask if they could pet or play fetch with the dog. The owner said yes sure it's the dog's birthday!


Oh my ego loved that. Hey Sarah, look at all these people pouring attention over this dog celebrating it's birthday and not one of them gives a shit about you. Poor human.

So that was interesting, but it keeps getting better.

That night, I took myself out for dinner to a nice place. There was a table of 3 ladies sitting in front of me and then a couple sat down at the table next to me and I overheard them tell the waitress they were celebrating a birthday. She said, "Oh we have lots of birthdays tonight!" The ladies in front of me were celebrating one of their birthdays as well.

My ego: 

You'd think that siting alone on your birthday being surround by others being celebrated for their birthday would be enough to feed my ego for a while.


The next day my boss asked me to come into work on Labor Day. I called my mom to complain (Sarah, how old are you?) ((Shut up!!)) My mom didn't acknowledge my rant. She changed the subject.

My ego did not get the sympathy it wanted and hung up. (Sarah...) I know! The ego is not rational and has taken me over. I'm fighting to regain control! But then this happened:

I/my ego was so mad that I left and went for a walk on the beach. As soon as I got there a couple asked me to take their photo while canoodling. Fine. I take it.

I walk a few more steps and another couple asks me to take their photo. This time the dude picks up his girl like he's carrying her over the threshold and kisses her. Gag. Click.

I keep walking. I see this guy setting up a tripod in the sand. Then he runs over in front of the camera where is girl is standing gets down on his knee and proposes! 

Are you kidding me?! Is this some fucked up version of Goldilocks and the 3 relationships you'll never have?! 

My ego:

My ego is going to great lengths to prove to me that I'm all alone and wants me to complain about how alone I am. It succeeded in getting to me this time.

There's a difference between being conscious and being enlightened.

The real me gets it. I'm an Indigo. I'm on the outskirts of society observing what normal humans do. I know being alone doesn't have to be lonely. How many people are out there that are not physically alone but still feel lonely? Too many.

It's been a pitiful few days for me but not a chronic condition. I'll be fine. I'm not like everyone else. I've embraced and accepted that. The ego has to make a fuss when it gets a chance. I know that. I'm dealing with it. I needed to express my junk feelings. Processing your emotions will help them pass.

Hopefully this dumb experience will serve as a teaching tool in some way.