I really thought that the law office I wrote about in Hell Fire, was going to be my last traditional job ever. I am not wired for having to work for other people. It breaks me down both mentally and physically. I need to feel free and independent.
So, I was determined to make it as a writer. I worked on creating content for this website exclusively for years. Then I started writing my first book.
Because of my past work experiences, some of which I have written about here, I still associate jobs with abuse, pain, and suffering. Even looking at job postings makes me feel sick to my stomach. PTSD! So, I was not even looking for a job, when one fateful day, I saw a job posting on social media advertising a position for only four hours a day 1 to 2 days a week.
Surely even I could handle that, right?!
Being an introvert, a writer, and an Indigo, I live completely socially isolated. Maybe if I got a job, I could rejoin society. I could work on my people skills. Maybe I would quit avoiding people as much as I do. I'd finally have an answer to the dreaded question: what do I do?
(Please, stop asking people this. Instead, try this: tell me who you are. Thanks.)
I figured this job would be like dipping my toe back in the water. It would be an experiment. Will I ever be able to function as a "normal" person or not?
I think we all know the answer to that.
So, I applied, got the job, and then my life promptly blew up.
Within two or three weeks of working, my landlord informed me that he was selling the house I had lived in for the last six years. This turned into an all out war. This is a story for another day.
Because of the lack of available housing in Maui, I ended up having to move three different times within six months. At one point I spent five months sleeping on the floor at a temporary place.
One morning while I was sleeping on the floor, I woke up to an emergency alert on my phone: Ballistic Missile Threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill.
My first thought was, at least I don't have to find another place to live. I thought my life was literally about to blow up.
At another point, I had only 48 hours left to find a new place to live. My mom was flying in to help me move but we had no where to go.
I finally got a long-term place but then didn't have any furniture for months.
I was also writing my book during this time and trying desperately to win a writing contest to get a publishing deal. My life was now a very stressful shitshow.
So, while my boss seemed to be really nice and care about my well-being, I was really preoccupied dealing with my living situation. He really wasn't fully on my radar for a while. I didn't have room to deal with anything else.
There was one thing that I didn't like though, and that was that he literally sat right behind me and watched everything that I did. But compared to some of my old bosses, this wasn't that bad. He never yelled at me, or was impatient, and he actually knew how to train people. He also regularly did many thoughtful things for me. My guard was down.
However, I did start developing physical symptoms right away. Beginning my second week, I would come home from work in excruciating pain. My head would be pounding. Though I was only working a few hours a day, the whole day would end up being a total loss because I was in so much pain that I couldn't move. I couldn't turn my head, I could barely open my eyes because my skull was throbbing. The pain wouldn't dissipate until I woke up the next day. Every. Single. Time.
It's always something.
Interesting how this only happened on the days that I worked.
About six months later, I took the Access Consciousness Foundation class. It was four 8-hour long days. I noticed that I never got a headache after any of these days. I wondered, why do I keep getting headaches after working for only a couple of hours?
In order to bring things to light, or to access consciousness, start asking questions to unlock stuck or hidden energy and information. I told the class facilitator that I always get a skull fracturing headache every time I come home from work.
She asked me, "What is your body trying to tell you?"
I responded immediately, "That I don't need to be there."
Ah. Yes, of course.
I only got this job for the sole purpose of being able to say that I have a job. Nobody knows that I only work a few hours a week. For all anyone else knows, I'm normal just like them. It was all an illusion. And for what? To get other people's approval?? To fit in?? Gag!
Not such a good plan. It wasn't going so well. I was pretending to be someone that I'm not, and the headaches were a consequence. Pain is a symptom of not being yourself.
So having this new awareness, why didn't I just quit?? Why keep putting on a show? Why keep enduring unnecessary pain?
Because I feel guilty that I am taken care of financially? Because I feel ashamed that I am fortunate? Because I'm afraid of other people's judgments? Ahh! Who the fuck cares?! It's none of my business what anyone else thinks and yet here I am suffering for their behalf.
What the fuck am I doing?!
I created this cage for myself. I told myself that I could quit after I finished writing my book. I had to earn it. That's the story I told myself anyway. It was based on old social conditioning that didn't even apply to me: don't quit your job without having another one lined up. That's the old rule. That's what keeps people trapped.
When will I accept that my life is never going to look like anyone else's?
Soon, my boss began pestering me to work more hours and days. I continuously refused. Not only did I not want to lose another day of writing to headaches, but this didn't make any sense. I barely had enough work to keep me busy as it was. I was actually starting to work less because I was finishing my work for the entire week in 2 hours or less instead of 4!
He could never articulate exactly what I would be doing to fill the time if I worked more. Do you want me to come in and play work? So instead of me working more, he started hiring other people. These people ended up doing my exact same work! Then on the days that I was there, he would make me do the exact same work that had already been done, again!
This really pissed me off. It was pointless! And a complete waste of time.
In his head, he needed to expand his company, get a new office space, and hire even more people. And in my version of reality, he didn't have enough to do for the people he already had. It made no sense.
My attitude completely soured. I was annoyed and resentful as shit. I started to regularly complain on the phone to my mom.
After one, let's say, excessive rampage, the next time I went in to work, I realized that my boss was somehow listening to my phone calls! He had heard what I told my mom - on my own cell phone - in my own house.
During that rampage, I had said that my boss is a sociopath because I discovered that he was writing emails from my work email address pretending to be me.
Because he controlled everything, all of the work emails would come through his inbox. So, if I wasn't there, he would respond to the emails that came to me and instead of just changing the signature to his own name, he responded pretending to be me! He would even reference himself. Like, oh my boss told me to tell you this.
That's fucked up, right?!
I was pissed but I didn't question it or mention it to him. I just exploded when I got home and completely unleashed when talking to my mom.
But the next time I came to work, he brought it up out of nowhere, and that's when I knew.
The whole room kind of sucked in on me as I realized that he was addressing what I had said in my private phone call, on my private phone, in my fucking house!
I think I was in shock. I was unable to verbalize a response. I think that he even realized that I knew too in that moment.
We were absolutely silent after that.
I felt repulsed and sickened.
What a fucking psychopath!
What a violation! He was such a control freak that he had to know everything that was going on all of the time. Not only did he watch everything that I do - now he's listening to everything that I say?! How?! He had to have been doing this for so long because so many things started to click after this moment of realization.
One of my pet peeves is when someone tells me something more than once. It makes me crazy.
I can’t tell you how many times that he brought up a story about when he was working at an old job and one of his coworkers accidently sent him an instant message talking shit about him. Then he would always say something like, if you have something to say, just say it to my face instead of behind my back.
I thought that he kept repeating this story just to fill up the quiet space. Nope, he was telling me to quit talking shit.
I was fuming. I had planned to call my mom and tell her that my boss is listening to our phone calls to put him on blast but then a calmer alternative plan emerged. Don’t tell her. I could use this to my advantage. I can tell him everything I want to say without blowing the cover.
Let the games begin.
He continued to reference things I had said in conversations with my mom. He literally couldn't help himself. I kept trying to test it just to make sure that I wasn't crazy. It was so obvious! I documented everything. Always keep a record! I have countless examples, or should I say - evidence.
My headaches continued.
My mom came out to visit me so I finally could tell her in person that we were being spied on. I had a week and a half off while she was here and I just had no desire to go back to work. He makes me feel gross and so, so angry.
But I did. My first day back, I finished all of my work for the week in 17 minutes. Then he made me redo everything someone else already did.
WTF am I doing?!
I attended a weekend workshop called Mystical Connections with Hay House authors Kyle Gray, Radleigh Valentine, Collete Baron-Reid, and Denise Linn.
I got a chance to talk to Kyle Gray, I told him that I was writing a book. He pulled an oracle card for me and told me that I was on the right path.
Being at this event, I realized that the only difference between the people on stage and the people in the seats, was that the people on stage weren’t afraid to be themselves, sequins and all.
I've never been open about about my metaphysical interests. In fact, I used to hide my first oracle deck and only work with it after everyone had gone to bed.
I’m beginning to run out of fucks. I came home from the event and outed myself on Facebook as a closeted oracle card reading, sage burning, full moon crystal charging, truth whispering mystic. My post was more well received than I thought it would be. Some friends even asked me to pull cards for them. I was delightfully surprised.
While I was getting ready for “work” I was really thinking that I should just quit today and start reading oracle cards. I've always wanted to do that since I was a teenager, that's when Kyle Gray started. I would make more money than I am now and I’d be having more fun. I'd be helping people instead of doing meaningless repetitive shit.
I went home from work with another employee's paycheck by mistake. She makes more money than me. I've been working longer than her, I have more degrees than her, we do the exact same job, and I finish it in half the time.
What's it going to take for me to fucking quit already?!
Turns out, a global pandemic. My last day of work was as the world was shutting down and I'm pretty sure that I had COVID-19 myself. I had just flown to the mainland and attended my brother's wedding. My throat started getting sore the night of the wedding. It was still sore the next day and I started dry coughing that evening. My brother and his wife got sick as well.
On the morning of my last day, I woke up coughing. It hurt to cough.
I got up anyway and started working from home. I told my boss that I couldn't call anyone because I was sick and couldn't stop coughing. He got triggered as usual. He seems to have no tolerance for being sick. He wanted me to make the calls anyway.
As I was working, I started wheezing in my throat. It was very weird. The sound of my own breathing kept me up all night. This was March 16, 2020 so there weren't any COVID tests available yet. My brother got diagnosed with pneumonia. He had to have breathing treatments. His wife was diagnosed with something else. I never went to the doctor. I had an inhaler with me from when I got walking pneumonia a few years earlier after my second move, it helped open my lungs when it was getting hard to breathe.
Anyway, while I was working, my Mom went out to get me medicine. There wasn't much on the shelves those days, but they did have medicine! Dumbfucks have been hoarding the wrong things.
I got worse. My body was aching.
Every single thing I did through my suffering for work ended up getting cancelled later that day. It was all pointless.
The company shut down.
I stayed with my family in Arizona for a whole year while Hawaii was shut down.
My boss checked-in with me every week by text for a while. Then every month. Then the last text I got was in the summer.
I didn’t hear from him again until "out of the blue" 8 months later, just 2 days after I finally returned to Maui! He texted me asking if I am ever coming back to Maui?
Hahaha I guess he’s still listening to my phone calls somehow even though I got a new phone while I was gone! I'll probably never know how he did it, I just know that he did.
The only people that I talk to on the phone are my parents. So he’s had nothing to listen to for a whole year and now all of a sudden I’m using my phone again talking with my parents, AAA, mechanic, plumber, & landlord so he knows that I'm back.
I didn't respond to his text. It triggered me all over again. I’m not answering questions he already knows the answer to. Fuck this shit. I'm not playing games anymore.
I deleted the message.
Would you like an Oracle Card reading?