After watching a very vulnerable Youtube video (damn it's now been taken down) the other day, I realized that I had been hiding in my life because I am ashamed that I have gained back 50+ pounds I have lost over the last five years.
My weight tends to fluctuate with my anxiety and the amount of pressure I am currently putting on myself. Once I accomplish whatever it is that had me straining to succeed or just give myself a break I tend to deflate effortlessly.
I've been working on writing a book and now I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been
and so I have been avoiding my usual beach because I'm too embarrassed to see anyone I know. And by know, I mean the regulars that are there whenever I am.
It's not like I even really know these people or have ever talked to any of these people. That's how embarrassed I am, I don't want strangers thinking Good Lord she's gained weight!
In the days leading up to Memorial Day weekend, I was seeing some posts made by friends on Facebook feeling insecure about the upcoming swimsuit season. Friends were trying to encourage each other to participate in their kids' weekend activities that involved water parks and swimming pools.
They were feeling so insecure I decided that I was going to go to the beach and make a video for me and for them.
When I started my car, on my way to shoot the video, the
song Pretty Woman came on over the radio! And trust me I do not listen to any
stations that would play that song!
That was hilarious and I took it as a sign I was doing the
After shooting the video, I saw a young guy in his 20's
being pushed in a wheelchair designed for the beach that goes into the water. I watched his friend get him into the water and pull him
around the ocean by his life jacket. They were having a blast. That really put the whole situation in perspective for me.
And then just as I decided it was time to go, a really big
family (both literally and physically) came out and set up camp right behind my
beach chair and I just thought to myself YES! Thank you! We're allowed to have
Your friends and your family just want you to have fun with
them. They don't care what you look like. And even if you're by yourself your soul
wants you to have fun and loves you no matter what.